For my paragraph I chose, I picked my introduction from the writing project 1. I thought it was pretty hard dressing it up because of the fact that I don’t really use those big words and and smart phrases. I’m more of an AVERAGE person. hahaha. Well here it is:
At a premature age, offspring’s are being open to innovative technologies that have been produced for our activities. Humans are more reliant on electrical devices by means of aged procedures elderly have been educated. Instead of memorizing figures or solving equations in our cephalics, or in other words, cranium. We utilize calculators or enter it in the annotations application in our robotic device. The younger generations are measured to be “tech savvy” because we are in the period where the creations of technology overtook numerous methods. We know how to explore different electronical machines. In this century, we have been attached to one of the smallest yet trustable gadgets that have ever been completed. Cell phones. It has everything that a computer has and everything a person needs when they can’t afford the actual item. In Writing Analytically of Chapter 20, “Our Cell Phones, Our Selves”, Christine Rosen discusses the various behaviors people have towards their “safety devices”, and has influenced our culture to become addicted socially and physically dependant to our cell phones.
For the dressing it down, I thought it was more simple and easy because it’s more of something that I am comfortable with. Just simple words and easy to understand.
Dress it down:
Children are being shown new technologies when they are young. We trust small devices instead of learning the new methods our parents learned. Instead of memorizing numbers or solving equations in our head, we use calculators or entering it in the notes application of our phones. The younger kids are ones who adjust more to these electronics because booming in technologies. We become a know it all to these things when it’s given and later can explain it to someone fully. Nowadays, we are attached to the smallest device ever made. Cell phones. It’s made with everything a person needs electronically. In Writing Analytically of Chapter 20, “Our Cell Phones, Our Selves”, Christine Rosen tells us the different behaviors people feel toward their phone.
In the section of page 333-345, I thought it was really informational. The part where they say that we should break up paragraphs so it won’t be long was really helpful in my essay. Considering the fact that I did have a full page of just one paragraph, I found that there were some places where I could have broke it. When I did this, it was more organized because the readers would understand it more. Also, another is where it talks about the sentences and how they are important within a paragraph. It gives pointers and I actually used these while revising my essays. Like, it says that it should link to another idea, claim, and thesis, etc. I found this helpful as well because it gives structure and that paragraph won’t just be there for no reason. It actually backs up to the claim you are trying to make.
All in all, because of that exercise and learning about the paragraphs, I found it clear that a person shouldn’t really dress up their paragraphs too much because readers won’t understand and dressing it down isn’t a good way either because the paragraph needs variety of words. When you do a mixture of both dressing it up and down, people would be able to understand what you are saying clearer. Also, using words that aren’t so upper leveled. Taking away form all this, everything should be balanced and should compliment each other. Nothing should be too hard to read or too easy because the goal is to always keep readers engaged and to get them to think about the claim you are making.
After getting feedback from you, it was basically saying that I need to make it more clear of what I am trying to get at in my paper. Also, I need more rhetorical analysis and my conversations aren’t quite there yet. I think that, yes I do need to work on these more. Maybe I didn’t really do it because I didn’t understand what I was supposed to write about ebcause I never have written a discourse community paper. OH! And it’s pretty hard to step out of your discourse and start analyzing and judging it. But to fix all of these problems, I came up with several ideas to fix all these major problems concerning my essay. Like one, I need to examine and analyze the community more instead of just talking about it. I wrote in ine if my notes that I should talk about why there are certain groups within the choir and talk about how both sides would see it as well so it can have a conversation going on. Another idea that I had was to maybe from all the interviews I had, analyze it as well because with it, I can maybe create people from both sides answering back to each other when it really didn’t happen. I don’t know if that made sense but…… yeah. And I don’t know.. At this point I wanted to change my whole topic and write a completely new essay because I wasn’t satisfied with it. My project one paper is the same… I am really struggling with the rhetorical analysis part. Also, I still have to find more sources! AH. And i just noticed this is due… soon. time goes by really fast! holy moly.
In Chapter 16 of Writing Analytically, it is mainly talking about introductions and conclusions. How these two are the paragraphs that really grab the readers attention and it can leave them thinking after reading the conclusion part of the essay. It says how the introduction can’t really have much information already because throughout your essay, you’ll be basically talking about the information and the evidence you gathered. I think of the introduction as a trailer when a movie is about to come out. You can’t say a lot because you want to keep the readers drawn into reading your essay.
When writing an introduction, it needs mainly:
1. Defining your topic
2. Indicating the method of approach to the topic
3. Provide necessary background or context
4. Offer the working thesis
It doesn’t have to be in that specific order when writing your introduction, it’s whatever sounds and is most effective to your readers. You don’t excessive information because that is just going to bore your readers. But you don’t want too little of an introduction because then your reader won’t know what your paper will be about, or in other words, they will be left confused.
When writing your conclusion, I believe that it should be the best part of an essay because you want to keep the readers thinking about what you were trying to get across and what you wanted to tell them. It is also the “so what” part as it statesin the book. So you want to restate what you mentioned throughout the essay but in a short sentence so you don’t really repeat what you said. So basically like summing it all up so that the things you said will be stuck in their brains after reading the essay. What I noticed in the conclusions I written were that I like to be dramatic. haha. But it’s pretty true after reading my conclusions throughout high school and conclusions I made throughout the English 10 course. I like making the first sentence and last sentence the ones to pop out. Since the last sentence is the one that I guess impacts the readers last impression.
In my project 1 and 2 papers, I have a few ideas of changing my introductions and conclusions… But let me tell you, I rewrite my introductions so much times in order for me to keep it.. In the project 2 I don’t really know how I want to change my introduction because I’m not really confident with the whole essay. But the project 1 paper for the conclusions, maybe I should summarize everything I said because I always skip that part.. But I’m not sure. I find these two the hardest to do in papers because it is the first and last impression.. i Guess…….. WISH ME LUCK.
Sinceeeee, I wasn’t there for the writing workshops because I have the flu again -_____- ughh.. lost my voice and sore throat.. waaahhh…. I decided to ask one of my friends to edit my paper for me.
What my peers basically said was that I needed more sources and I need to add more ideas into the paper because I kept repeating myself. I guess this is because I had nothing else to say about my topic? I found this paper harder than the first major paper because it’s the discourse I am in and it’s hard to see what others are saying about it when I was in that group ever since I was young.
So my revision plan for my discourse analysis paper is to add more sources because I can’t just be using one source over and over again. Then to avoid repeating myself, I’m going to add more details within the information I found and maybe, compare different choir groups. Same church, but in the different locales. Maybe I can incorporate my thoughts when I was in the Seattle choir to the choir I am in now which is Fresno. Since both groups have different sound qualities and singing here is harder to adapt too.
Chapter 8 is basically about what an evidence and a claim is. For example, it compares the evidence to the claim. Like in page 169 (example text), it shows that the claim is making a conclusion abot something they are writing about, in this case it was, “the owners are ruining baseball in America”. To back the claim up, you need evidence. So it’s basically the sources that a person uses to support what they have concluded. But Chapter 8 also states that without a claim and only the evidences that a person is using, the reader(s) may have different kinds of conclusions about what the author is trying to prove. So it might be confusing for the reader to figure out after reading the whole essay. Which is true because why put all those evidences and not have a claim a person is trying to prove?
Woww. I didn’t even know that there were so much different kinds of evidences a person can use when writing. The ones that popped out to me the most were statistical and anecdotal evidence because it really fits into what I’m trying to do with my paper. Since statistical involves numbers and how those numbers help in a claim, I can use the people I have interviewedas statistical evidence and maybe run an experiment of what answers they would pick… so like a poll. Hmm.. Maybe that can help my paper more because now that the readers can know both sides since I don’t know what the non choir members would say. Also, the anecdotal evidence can be a good one as well! I can probably incorporate 2 or 3 stories of what I had to deal with in the choir and then I can connect this back to my claim or just general main ideas in the paragraphs.
Yeah. I guess I can use these things. I never thought of it till after I read chapter 8. VERY HELPFUL! there is A LOT of work to do…
There were so much discourses to choose from, it took me a while to finally pick and write about it… -____-.
The discourse community I decided to use is being in an adult choir. Basically, in my church there are two church groups. One is the children’s choir and the other is the adult. People usually join the choir when they are young because it will be easier for them to understand and learn new music whenever it is given to the choir members. I joined the children’s choir when I was about 6 and just continued to the adults. When you join the choir and don’t really start in the children’s group, it probably would be hard for a person to get used to because of all these music talk/language that are being used. For example, the solfege (do, re, mi…etc.) and knowing the different notes that are in the music score. So if someone was to just join and doesn’t really know anything about music or reading it, it would probably be like a new language to them and it might take some getting used too.
Which reminds me..
Last Sunday, I remember having to teach someone learn the basics of being in the adults choir to prepare for his audition. It took almost 2 hours just to get the solfege down and singing the correct pitch because he was new to actually singing songs using a score.
People might think it’s easy, but all the technicalities make it difficult for a person to understand. For instance, if someone didn’t know anything about reading notes and counting the beats and they were given a sheet of music with lyrics and notes above the words… they would be lost and wouldn’t know how to sing it. But there are a few things that I still have to find out about this discourse. Maybe I should probably interview at least two people in the choir and two people who aren’t so I can use that in my paper. I can also use those sayings and compare it to the book I found called, Pocket Guide for the Church Choir Member.
Going through the pocket guide it describes all the things needed to survive being in the choir. It also mentions the goals choirs are trying to reach when they are singing in front of the congregation at church. Which this can be one thing I can talk about in my paper as well and maybe incorporate some quotes in the bible so people can understand why there are church choirs and how they are a big contributor during services.
Yeaaaaaah. So much to write about sooo little time!
There are soooooo many discourse communites out there I don’t even know where to begin! Basically eveywhere you go there are these secret codes people don’t understand when eavesdropping in someones conversation.
Like this… what does this even mean?! All we see are boxes.. shapes.. and scribbles. It doesn’t make sense. Well to us of course. These are the things that I want to learn more about. Military and maybe medical fields are discourse communities I would like to learn more about. It’s crazy how they yell and yell in the military and people don’t even mind, while in the medical field it’s just busy and everyone moves really fast with all these abbreviations they have to break down. Ahh.. it’s just so interesting.
ANYWAYS. Time for serious business… Analyzing arguments
I didn’t know how much different arguments people use when writing their essays. It seems like there is always a loophole within a statement because of syllogism, enthymeme, and the different kinds of fallacies. When reading this chapter, it kind of reminded me of math in a way. Like a line. How point A connects to point B therefore point B connects to A. I thought that summarized what syllogism was.. well to me. In the example on page 194 it says, “All men are mortal. Socrates is a man. Therefore, Socrates is mortal.” To me, this went from the point A, to B, then it connects it together as a conclusion. Another example that I thought of was the usual generalizations.. “All Canadians say ‘ay’. I’m Canadian. Therefore, I say ‘ay’”. Which this isn’t true at all because yes, I grew up in Canada but I never said that word after every sentence. I don’t think I would necessarily agree with the Toulmin Model because it was generalizing and going straight to a conclusion without analyzing the point a person may make.
The Rogerian argument was one that stood out the most. In the last paragraph of the section on page 196, it mentions, “people try to put different points of view into conversations rather than set out to have one view defeat another.” This reminded me of our Project 1 Writing Piece because I guess, in most or all papers everyone used this strategy. This strategy also occurs in all academic argumentative or research papers because we are trying to find the root or the meaning of something we are trying to figure out.
Reading on in Ch. 9: Check for Unstated Assumptions and Qualify Claims the two examples given was something that was new to me that I learned just by reading the book. The first example shows some words that are direct and concludes what he thinks about the TV’s. For example, “no, obviously”… etc. While in example 2, it shows words that have compare two arguments together, the good and the bad. Like, “The Simpsons has a more positive effect than a negative one.” After reading the two examples, I felt that the paragraph above shows more of a example 1 because I am assuming and concluding since I used words that are direct. In this case they are, “occurs” and “everyone used”. I guess in all my writings I have to be careful of what words I use as well because they may lead to assumptions.
When I read the fallacies, all of a sudden it reminded me of my AP Lang & Comp class when we had to act out the fallacies that were assigned to us. We learned a few of these fallacies already, but the new ones that I have never heard of were weasel word, slippery slope, false analogy, and equivocation. Fallacies are a great way to help arguments in papers as well! Like the false cause. I think it is like the syllogism because it has an evidence and then it goes straight to a conclusion.
ALLLLLL these different types of arguments may help the project 2 paper because were are analyzing a discourse and it involves conclusions when we observe. Especially the different fallacies. Those are a lot to avoid…
When you’re in an argument with someone, find and tell them the different types of fallacies they’re using so that you won’t have to listen to them prove you wrong (:
Even though this semester has only just begun, I never noticed how much writing strategies there are! Like generalizations, paraphrasing, and the so what method. But that’s what college is for! To understand and see writing in a new way.
Earlier in the school year, I remember having to write a writing sample. It was one of the toughest pieces I ever wrote because of the fact that I haven’t written an essay since June! At first I just wrote down what’s on my mind and then just rewrote everything till it was organized and made sense. Which kind of reminded me of when at the start of class, there are always freewrites so our brain can start functioning. That was something that was new to me as well. I never knew freewrites can be so beneficial to someone since it really helps in the thinking process. No one wants to lose their ideas!
Improving our writing skills can also be worked on when someone gives feedback. We learned that we shouldn’t say “you should” because you’re telling someone to do it and it seems as if it’s the RIGHT thing to do. But it’s really the writers decision. Also how, when you give feedback it shouldn’t be one word… How would people even know how to improve their essay when it’s a phrase… -____-. But when you elaborate on the feedback, it can give a sense of direction to the essay you read and can really help.
Hopefully my ability to write essays and giving feedback won’t be as hard as it was when writing the first writing sample (:
In Chapter 5 of Writing Analytically “Writing About Reading: More Moves to Make with Written Texts”, addresses different strategies on how to analyze a reading to fully understand what is meant within the text. I used a few strategies when I read “The Naked Crowd” like pitch, complaint, and the moment. Using this has improved my reading skills because there is a reason why Rosen has written this certain piece. He wants to make a point across the writing as all authors do. It makes sense to use this strategy since the moment was maybe during around that time when 9/11 had happened. This has shaped the Rosen’s writing since he kept mentioning different examples of trust or revealing the personal lives of the victims who had been affected by the tragedy. Trust is the main point of the whole reading in my perspective because of the fact that you have to tell people personal things about your life in order for them to trust you. Which makes sense because you have told them something you would never tell anyone. But in page 477, he mentions, “… Revealing one or two personal details to strangers is inevitably a trivialising experience that leads is to be judged out of context.” When reading this piece of sentence, it has occurred to me that trust is gainable but when someone does ask you something and you respond, people might take it the wrong and after they won’t take the chance to get to know you. For instance, social networking websites, people are basically forced to enter information about them to share to the public. Just by this the different users around the world can view it and they can judge right away even if they haven’t met the person. This also reminds me of the online dating, people are not afraid to reveal the personal things about them just because they want to find a soulmate they can be with forever. But people should keep in mind that whatever you put online stays there and people can easily retrieve old posts that someone can use against you. There is no privacy for anyone nowadays. The only place where you can have something be private is if you keep it in your head and not tell anyone. Phones and laptops can easily be hacked, friends and family can easily tell secrets to anyone. So the title being called “The Naked Crowd” really stands out because of the fact that privacy is nothing and is not obtainable. No matter how hard a person would try to have their own privacy it would never happen. We tell our personal information because people want to share what the have been through when being interviewed so the viewers can understand and feel what you have been through. Everyone gets judged, good or bad. But is it really the right choice to express your opinions and feelings on tv or on the internet? It’s your call, would you expose your personal information? We do it all the time, but sometimes.. we don’t realize that we are.
It’s crazy how the older we get, cell phones are becoming more advanced and kids are receiving cell phones at a young age. Everyone around the world has been becoming more addicted and dependent to them because of the safety it provides and the different applications they have after creating “smart phones”.
I remember the first time I had a cell phone I was 10 years old but when I look around, 5 year olds already have better and recent phones. Rosen mentions, “Many parents have responded to this perceived need for personal security by purchasing cell phones for their children…” But when you think about it, even if children do get a cell phone, you won’t know what they’re really doing when the parents asks them where they are or what they’re doing. I find it hard to believe that when teenagers tell their parents that they couldn’t answer the call because there was no signal or their battery died, they would let it pass and wouldn’t suspect anything. But in the positive side, when they do have an emergency they can always call their parents. I highly dounbt that an elementary school child would have an emergency because their parents are still there to drop them off and pick them up. It’s not like they are old enought to go anywhere by themselves so I don’t see a point where cell phones are needed. The older and responsible they get, the parents should then give their child cell phones because of the many after school activities they may join.
Notice, ever since providers have created cell phones, more and more people have become adddicted to them. They have added the different applications that help people in their everyday lives. When you don’t have a flashlight and you need one, phones act as one or they are made with one. If someone needs to tune their guitar and they don’t have a tuner, you can install one so that you can start playing the guitar. Or if one doesn’t have internet or a computer at home, you can use wifi and start browsing the internet. Even if our phone is so small, it can be our personal computer or planner. It’s everything you’ll ever need but in one. We act like our cell phones are everything and we cannot live without them because we use them everyday and we are that attached to them. I admit that I am attached to my phone and I wouldn’t go anywhere without it because it does keep me safe when I go somewhere by myself.
When using a cell phone, there are some etiquettes that are needed to be followed because if a person doesn’t, it may be considered as “rude”. Like texting someone while a friend is talking to us. It makes it seem that we are focused in another conversation other than the one that is happening in person. Or how people get into the phone call other than interacting with the people around them.
After reading, “Our Cell Phones, Our Selves” it has opened up different understandings of cell phones. We use them so much we depend on them even more as they create more unique features. They are like our personal robots that can listen and respond back when you say something (ex. the siri on the iphone). But what we really need to think about it, what would happen to you if cell phones have all of a sudden vanished? Would you survive?